see-saw...

Monday shift...lunch break ..
i checked my cp and was surprised that i got a missed call..
i checked the number...
it was his....!
my heart was thumping so hard..
i dunno...
excitement..
hope...?
i dunno...
i had the urge to txt him.but i control myself not to.if he wont txbk then i will be dissapointed again...
and i dont want to be dissapointed becoz of him.
i am trying to move and he kept doing this...
playing see-saw in my head....
why he was trying to call me?
for what?
he said i have to leave him alone(many times)...
he didn't feel anything for me anymore...
but why he was doing this..?
i hate him!!
i arrived home that day checking my other cp and found out that i have 4 missed call and it wa his number..!!
why are you doing this..?
you hurt me so much that i was about to give up...
you dump me!
so let me go now!
bother me no more!
i really really hate you...
i know it's not a good thing to say but i regret i loved you that much.....
you're not deserving..
you're not worth keeping for...
you don't know how to value the goodthings..
you only look on the negative sides...
i hate you...!

an eye opener..

got a call today from one of our CH.. she inspired me to move forward..she brought tears in my eyes and made me realize it's not the end of the world if a relationship failed..
she thought me how to move on and try to let go..
he's a mother of two..husband left him because of other woman and hubby is on drugs..she said it pains her much..at first she tried to hate him much because of what he did..but then she realized that hate will just lead her nowhere..she tried to forgive she said but she can't forget..but she havee to move on and forgive and forget for her 2 daughters.. she told me it's not the end of the world.. God is on her side to lead her to a new path of life...what i really like when she sais.." i'm a beatiful woman inside out and God knows and sees it.he will help me move on and enjoy life.God took his husband away from him because He knows that his not good for him..." now i know why God let me experience this what i'm in right now..his not the right person for me..not the right one to share my dreams with... I'm proud to say "I'M BEAUTIFUL INSIDE OUT AND GOD KNOWS IT"
it's his loss not mine...thank you very much your such an inspiration miss_____... you made me realize how i wasted my time over nothing....

3 more days..

3 more days and my vengeance will start... as i've said no one messes up with me.. i'll strike back and avenge... i can forgive but i won't forget..

here we go again...

i'm home..emptiness is all over me..it's back again...
ferenand said i don't look like i'm heartbroken..that when he looked at me it's like i'm just lying..well, then maybe i'm a good actress..i can hide the pain that lingers on me...

i wish i can turn back time.... i wish i never fall in love...
i wish.. i wish... more wishes that i know no answers and never will come true...

what now..???

he came yesterday...actually he called me the other day..my heart was jumping...with joy or excitement... i dunno... but i'm glad he came.. we talked we laugh we shared something.. we kissed... but i dunno..i'm puzzled... i saw a pic on his fone.. i dunno if he intentionally showed it up to me... he said that's not his girl.. i dunno.. but i felt a pang of pain..? i have to move on i have to... i'm in the process but seing him again..made me go back to zero....hayyyyy i still love him i guess.. or is it just a thought? i dunno... i felt the pain inside me again... although not that painful.. but it's still here.... part of me wanting him back..i think not only part of me but most of me.. i dunno what's running inside his thoughts.. i can't read it.. i hope i can.. so i wont be like this... hanging in a thin air...

5 YEARS AND 9 MONTHS..

020409.... it's over....it's final... we're done... a friend of mine...